Timely Talk invites Michelle Natinsky P ’27, ’25, Ph.D., who equips parents with healthy tech strategies for building better relationships with teens and technology. 

Parents are not alone in the questions they often ponder about technology and screens; how much screen time should I give my kids? Should I monitor my child’s text messages? How old should they be before getting a social media account? How is technology impacting my child’s mental health?

The St. Stephen’s Counseling Service department recently hosted its monthly Timely Talk series and invited Licensed Psychologist and Licensed Specialist in School Psychology Michelle Natinsky P ’27, ’25, Ph.D., who says these are all incredibly challenging questions and decisions parents struggle with today given the proliferation and advances of technology, and the risks associated with it.

“Current studies suggest that the average teen is spending an average of eight hours a day using technology, for reasons other than academics,” she said.

Natinsky, who presented to about 40 parents both in-person and virtually, says the easy access to massive amounts of information at our fingertips, coupled with applications and programs that lure our attention in powerful ways – is drastically changing the parenting landscape. 

Natinsky’s goal for the October session was to provide some of the same services she offers in her private practice: equip parents with tools that can open the lines of communication with their teens around technology and their relationship with it. Natinsky says this starts with a couple of very basic ideas.

“Our kids come to us wired with their individual temperaments. The more we can recognize that our job is less about molding, shaping and controlling and more about observing, supporting, and guiding, the more effective we can be,” said Natinsky. “We need to respect our kids as individuals who need two crucially important things from us: clear expectations/limits/boundaries and warmth, connection and emotional validation.”

She says holding both of these goals in mind allows us to approach with curiosity, engage in meaningful communication and collaborative problem-solving and build a foundation in which kids view their parents as teammates rather than adversaries or enforcement authorities.

“The number one thing we don’t want to do is automatically demonize all things tech,” said Natinsky. “It instantly alienates us from our kids.”

Natinsky offered a balanced approach by adding that there are many benefits to technology, and there are some real, measured downsides. Natinsky challenged parents to think holistically about the guardrails they have in place around their children’s tech-use.

“Are the boundaries you’re implementing now going to be helpful to [your kids] in the future, when they are no longer living under your roof?” asked Natinsky.

Much of her private consultation sessions with parents are focused on helping them “find the sweet spot” of what works best for the humans they’re raising, while ensuring it's in line with their values and beliefs.

How to Set Kids Up for Success

Research shows that parenting approaches that consistently produce the best outcomes such as higher academic achievement, less depression and anxiety, higher self-esteem and less physical aggression is the combination of:

• High expectations
• Clear boundaries
• High levels of warmth, connection and emotional validation

Natinsky often asks parents to think about a time when they were in trouble as a child.

“As the grown up was talking, did you feel tremendous warmth and connection?” asked Natinsky.

While the answer is typically “no,” Natinsky believes parents can achieve it through a combination of rules and boundaries that help teens understand what they can and should do, while feeling supported at the same time.

Parents will often ask her: what is the magic number for the amount of time a teen should be spending using technology? Natinsky clarified that boundaries and guidelines around technology are not a one-size-fits-all, and that setting children up for success in one household may look very different than another — and may even be different for different children who are living under the same roof.

Instead of sharing a number, Natinsky encourages parents to answer the following questions:

1. What are they doing with their device? 
All technology is not created equal. There are big differences between a child using a digital art application, versus playing a collaborative video game (where problem solving and communication are key) or consuming content (watching cat videos on YouTube). 

2. How are they feeling afterwards?
What is their mood? Does it affect their behavior or responses toward others? Are they more irritable? 

3. What are the screens replacing?
Technology is the most problematic when it interferes with sleep, exercise and opportunities for genuine human connection. Team video games are great, but it’s not the same as being physically next to your friend.

4. What’s tough?
There are vulnerabilities and age matters. Natinsky said research shows that younger teens are more at risk for some of the negative effects of tech, such as when they’re exposed to violent video games. A healthy response to this type of content is: “This is not a forever “no,” it’s just a “not right now until your brain develops.” 

5. What’s happening offline?
If there are other factors at play such as bullying or mental health concerns, for example, then different boundaries may need to be set.

6. What technology improves their mood? Hinders their mood?
Encourage opportunities for self-reflection so tweens and teens can begin to identify their own moods.  While parent observation can be useful, ultimately, the goal is for adolescents to learn about themselves so they are well-equipped for future self-management.

The St. Stephen's community can view the full, one-hour recorded session on the MySSES Health & Wellness tile. Timely Talks are offered each month both in-person or virtually, and are organized by the St. Stephen’s Counseling Services team. 

Learn more about Michelle Natinsky, Ph.D. 

View the full 2025-26 Timely Talks schedule